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I thought I was out of the stage of feeling the regret and remorse for my desicisions in my life.
She's coming, last year was alright but it was different now. Time changes everything , and I'm stubborn atleast I try. I HOPE I CAN BE TILL THE END, and stick to what I know what i feel in my gut, what I KNOW WHAT FEELS RIGHT !.....so why can't you geta GRIP kayla!!!
.
.
.
Now that thanksgiving day is just in 2 weeks so that means i have 1 week and a half to figure out what the fuck im gonna do to stay sane for my god damn sake.
Idea!!!
My best POSION LIQOUR!!!
I honestly don't know what I should do cause I believe I'll be doing more harm then good. I don't want to be a room for much toooooo lunch time with Susana.
Shes gonna believe were bonding and I don't want to be giving her false intentions. m
I dont want to be making the hurt a bigger problem and more of a torment. I want to make it a clean quick break. She'll recover and be content with something else fast.
Plus HATING someone is easier to forget about them.
I want to tell her but maybe in the back of my mind isn't ready my heart isbut i believe my conscience isn't just yet..
" she did carry you around for 9 months" and cared for you for an other 18 years!"
it's a war between these two voices in my head and I can't stand it.. Why can't i decided. I want them out of my life why can't i just leave and never look back ?
hope kayla ????......
no HOPE died with my heart that night. the night my love for my mother left me . The warmth that streamed through my viens and enlightened my life with all her words and laughs.
shes dead to me and my father as well more now then ever .
Why do I always mess up everything with my Tuchise...???
I make her feel bad and unloved when honestly I never wanted that for the intention in mind .
can't she see.... SHE IS ALL I HAVE AND WILL EVER HAVE.
i CAN'T TAKE IT I MY SELF TO CALL HER MOTHER/MOM/MOMMY...JUST TO LOSE HER.
LIKE I LOST MY FIRST ONE.
i wont have it
never again !!
anyways off subject.... im gonna hate that long thanksgiving weekend... and the most of all .. afterwards too.. people asking me " did you see your mom?" ..... " did you like it that she came ove??"
gracias a ella yo me carrir y mi angel de la guardia me levanto.
gracias tuchis te adoro .,
I know even without my glasses .. i saw it with my own eyes. So i got kinda of curious and i swifted my bod to be on my knees and when my hands touched the fan my door opened. Yes, my dosen't close the whole way but the little paper holding it place was still suck on the wall, and it didn't open all night until i got up.
I was thinking that my room was really cold, that i had my fan on low. but the walls were like ice and my body was frezzing .
The Day of the Love
The Day of Venus
frigedaeg or frige dag (Anglo-Saxon)
freitag (Germanic)
dies veneris (Latin)
sukra-var (Hindu)
juma (Islamic)
vendredi (French)
kin youbi (Japanese)
Traditionally associated in many parts of Europe with misfortune as this was believed to be the day when Christ was crucified at Calvary, and also that this was the day that Adam was tempted by Eve with the Forbidden Fruit. Within the Roman Catholic faith Friday was traditionally a day of abstinence. Today it is a still viewed as a day for some private act of self-denial (For further information see Mystical WWW Easter).
According to tradition there are some practices that should be avoided if possible on a Friday including, births, weddings, the sailing of a ship, cutting your nails or starting a new job. This is indicated in the following rhyme:
He shall be accursed of men,
Silly and crafty and loathsome to all men,
And shall ever be thinking evil in his heart,
And shall be a thief and a great coward,
And shall not live longer than to middle age.'
In Hungarian (Europe) folklore it was believed be an omen of bad luck to be born on a Friday although it was believed that the onset of misfortune could be avoided or removed by placing some of your own blood on some of your own old clothing and then burning it.
The criminal underworld have an old belief that 'a burglary committed on a Friday will probably result in arrest' as perhaps a sign of divine intervention and retribution upon the criminal, and if you were bought to trial for any offence on a Friday it was thought to be a bad omen. In the British Isles and USA Friday was the customary day to carry-out hangings and so was sometimes referred to as 'Hangman's Day' or 'Hanging Day'. (This perhaps is connected to the Christian belief in a Friday being the worst day of the week, as this was the day identified with the Crucifixion and the death of Christ).
If it rains on a Friday an old rural belief (UK) was that it indicated the forecast would be fine on the following Sunday.
If you dreamt on a Friday night of an event or people and then told the content of the dream to someone in your family on the Saturday morning it was more likely to happen.
In Scotland (UK) and Germany (Europe) according to an old belief Friday was thought to be a good day to go courting (dating). Norse men traditionally saw this as a positive day, the luckiest of the week.
'Black Friday' has been regularly used to label days of significance within the British culture. This was the name given to December 6 1745 in the British Isles. This was the day that information reached London (UK) that the Young Pretender had reached Derby (UK). The threatened General Strike was cancelled on 15 April 1921 affecting the stance of the British Labour Movement (UK). The Government (USA) flooded the open market with gold to bring down prices on 24 September 1869 ruining the livelihoods of many speculators in USA.
Mohammedans believe that Adam was created on a Friday, and so the day is seen to be the Sabbath. It is also believed that Eve tempted Adam with the Forbidden Fruit on this day, and that later both died on a Friday.
Friday is believed to be a day of misfortune too for Buddhists and Brahmins.
'Long Friday' was another name given to Good Friday (For further information see Mystical WWW Easter) by the Saxons. It is thought that the name derived from the fact that this was a day of abstinence.
According to the English historian Richard Grafton certain dates of the month were unlucky as published in the 'Manual' in 1565. Days throughout the year were identified and of course could have related to any day of the week. The date was the most important point to consider. The work was reputed to have some credence with support given by astronomers of the day. (For more information see Mystical WWW Mystical Time : Mystical Months).
****************************************
http://www.mystical-www.co.uk/time/days.h
I'm already numbered on having a family of my own and this sickness can be the kick me in the right direction.
And if i were to be usless to concieve life.
Then I would bring something to life.
I have to get this weight of myself .
I have to tell her.
On an other note I have to get back to school
It's the best thing for him,
being with you mother it's always the best thing.
- Haruji
Damn the ending of this episode is wicked.. alice in wonderland and everyhitn in between .
I need you now Darius..
He's been away for a while. patheic.....i know.... i need an imaginary person next to me.. spirit ghost or figmit of my imagination.
2 days more and she'll be here again...
I don't think I'll be able to bare it ,I was thinking of just telling her everything
but like before and the same as now... I'm afraid.... I'm terrified to the bone.
I can't bring it upon myself to release this emotion this pain this confession these words... words of hate,sadness,disgusT.
I'm in a dilema ..... either way I lose... I lose everything
If I tell my mother, yes im relieved this ongoing evergrowing pain..
but this is my own personal torture for myself ...
to be continue....... i gotta go to sleep
- Mood:
restless
The Night - Disturbed
Lyrics:
What has come over me?
What madness taken hold of my heart,
To run away
The only answer!
Pulling me away,
To fall upon the night!
The source of my recovery!
Sweet shadow taking hold of the light,
Another day, has been devoured!
Calling me away,
Bringing a question why!
For saving me from all theyve taken,
Let my armor fall again,
Giving me the strength to face them,
Feeling it taking over, now
On a path to take it all away!
There can be no better way of knowing,
In a world beyond controlling,
Are you gonna deny the savior, in front of your eyes?
Stare into the night!
Power beyond containing,
Are you going to remain a slave for,
The rest of your life?
Give into the night!
This self discovery,
Redemption taking hold of my mind,
A serenade of haunting voices,
Calling me away,
To feast upon the night!
The source of my felicity,
Dark maiden taking hold of my hand,
Lead me away,
From hibernation,
Strong and unafraid,
Never a question why!
For saving me from all theyve taken,
Let my armor fall again,
Giving me the strength to face them,
Feeling it taking over, now
On a path to take it all away!
There can be no better way of knowing,
In a world beyond controlling,
Are you gonna deny the savior, in front of your eyes?
Stare into the night!
Power beyond containing,
Are you going to remain a slave for,
The rest of your life?
Give into the night!
Give into the night!
In a world beyond controlling,
Are you gonna deny the savior, in front of your eyes?
Stare into the night!
Power beyond containing,
Are you going to remain a slave for,
The rest of your life?
Give into the night!
Night... (x3)
Give into the night.
Night... (x3)
Give into the night. (x2)
- Mood:
blank
But I don't feel freightened by him at all .. is it wierd and I normal..???
just the other night I distintly felt something like shove on my left shoulder so much that and i move to the right .. i didnt feel anything cold upon my skin but when i turned to see what was there i was washed by a cold breeze... i have my fan onbut it was pointed to my feet and it was really low.. it couldn't be that right... anyway that was one incounter. the next night i woke up to no a SP sleep paralysis attack but a back spasm ... itwisted and turned nothing help or soothed the pain then i felt a cold breeze and small pecks ... call me crazy but it would feel big then closing as if it were to be " here it goes" kisses...??? i know my imagination.. but i swear felt like that before.
but what do you think im gonna wait and see where this takes me .. but i always feel him in my room and at work and erie... but anyways im gonna wait andsee what happend next5...
I thought I had this conversation with myself before... don't fail Kayla.....Nothing is what it seems and nothing is forever.
Well miracle... my mother actually came down for my birthday this year.. I'm happy I swear I am but I can't find it in myself to show my life giving mother a hug..... a simple hug filled with love... I unconsciencly give her arms filled of resentment.
I can't the will to let her in my life again. Nor my father, Well I can give him credit I guess, He did get me a beautiful bag... of KuROMI.. BUT I Swear if it wasn't my sister telling him what I like obviiously cause he dosen't know my likings. H e would of still boughten me half fill helium ballon and a 99 cent stuffed animal.
He can fancy me with thing nor buy my love back again....... it dosent work that way.
no with me that is
My family here is all I have left and I for that am grateful, Im grateful for them loving me and always being there for me.
As if I was in power for what my mind driffs of to, Maybe it was guilt conscience guilt. Or a sign .. from you know who .. either or of the two. I just hope it's all in my head. Just for the fact the dream was so intense I had to take 2 Ibprobuen 800 mg and I could fall back to sleep .. I was scared to.
At first in my dream it seem pretty normal walking down the nearby park then went I went arounf the building that held the bathrooms it turned into the parkinglot of my old catholic Church. When I saw the door wide open and with long white candle at the both doors. It seemed welcoming so I entered the most place I least expectedted to be in my dreams.
I walked in there wasn't so many people in the church.. the alter was set witht he goblet and platter witha couple of obelas. WHEN I walked to the first row of benches I turned to the side they had the confession booths and i Walked in front of the Cross with Jesus nailed to it. i kneeled and blessed myseld. I never really have no intention of insulting the beliefs of other people but I do it so they wont rag on the younger generation.
I walked and I was feeling something my back like ise Prickles. I turn and nothign is there.
There were three Slim Doors... with a cross on the top part with some dort of black mesh in the inside. On the last door to the right an old lady came out with her eyes all puffy and tissues in her hand. there wasn't anybody else in line. so i thought long and hard which door. so I choose the middle one. As I opened the door and gust of wind came from under my hair that sparked a chill race down my body.
I sat down I looked up and there was a dark redish light bulb beaming down on me. I heard an old raspy voice acknolege me
"Yes my child, tell me your sins." the fathers voice I heard.
"Uh" all what came out of my mouth..... so I cleared my throat and probably answered him.
" Good Morning Father, It has been 7 years since my last confession "
" Hmm may I ask why you have put it off for so sucha long time child. "
he asked me
" My faith, father I think I have lost it. I really havn't thought it threw. I don't really worry about it" I said blunty
" Yes child tell me your sins. " he insisted,
" Father, I have turned my back on god and jesus christ.
I don't honor my father and mother, I lie, I steal, I I I don't know if I'm in his light anymore. At times I feel so small. And I can't find place to feel the comfort. " I pleaded
" Tell me more about you mother and father, child Don't leave anything out everything on your mind. "
he insited once more
" My father, I don't love him as anything his nothing to me . After the divorce and more time went on I finally found out what had happen for my mother to make her discission. I don't care worry love my father. He's a liar , a fake. jerk, flithy. excuse of a human being.Unfortunly with out him I wouldn't be here.
I am mistake for my mother.. I should have never existed. I was her escape... She married my father not of love but to leave my grandmothers house... I can'
t blame her for anything really. Just that she lied to me for 16 years of my life.. everything was a lie. When I thought my life couldnt be better and that I was sooooo lucky to have my family together. It gets broken .. and I should of seen what was happening before.
I should be happy
i should be glad
I should be content
and at last relieved for her.
She's finally away from another snake.
Just why was I so helpless to her this time. Now that I could of protected her from his lies and the idiot he is. I was blind once again, I'm useless to her. I'm a poor excuse of a daughter. I can't honestly be anymore of an eye sore.
4 YEARS IT WAS...
4 years without seeing her face everyday.
4 years I lost my best friend.
4 years I lost a part of me, my heart, my soul , my mother.
The one that gave me life the one who could get me exactly how i thought i was.
The few that supported me other then change me.
Why.... GOD?
NO. WHY ME !!!!
there's no one else to blame but myself.
I asked her in her face if My bio father was what my family told me years ago.
If he left her witha baby in her stomach and taking care of me.
If he disgeaced her in public.
If he was the shit of man like I thought and compared her to a 100% plastic bimbo.. what i thought was a friend.
and if he was a good for nothing drunk and lazly worthless excuse as a father more n ever a human .
And she said.....YES.
"WHY DID YOU STAY WITH HIM" i asked her
"cause i was scared to leave him and for you and the kids."she said
" Is it true that you married him to leave the house?" i asked her.
" yes"
My heart couldn't feel more crappier then before.
I wanted to hug her. and say sorry ....
for what ... I never blamed her that she seprated my father.
but the fact I never saw the lie/ the denile/ the hate.
Everything is fitting in it's place..
Father time home.
how he was always nicely dressed for a construction worker.
that he was barely home
he drinking / his friends ./ how he never aknoledged my mother always took other women out.
Nearly 16 years
WASTED
A FUCKEN LIE
A STUPID JOKE
My whole world was a fat fucken lie.
i was so grateful that i had my family together.. thanked god. loved him... no i know now where he stands.
even it cant keep a family together.
can t keep the lies and betrayal away.
to be continued.....
- Location:on my cama
- Mood:
sounds good - Music:old stupid shit
I dont know why i feel this way but i need to find a reason why i have these thoughts still
i know why my parents divorced and it not our fault.. but
why did they make us live a lie for so long.. and more to make us think it was the other persons fault jus been ping pong the blame.
i feel like i have neither parents no mothjer or father..
i should get excited to see tthem but i just feel so blank .. and numb... i feel fuastraded... like im so stupid to not smile or not have a phone conversation with my mom for more then a minute
i start to sufficate from just talking on the phone with my mom .. and my dad.. i know its hate... i feel disgusted to be his daughter...
hes everything oppisite what i thought of him
anything from a HERO..
My mom
from laughing to yelling.......
from smiles to tears.......
from hugs and kisses to cuts and brusies......
nothing ever makes sense..
why things happen for the better.. they say... but in this experience everything has gone from bad to worst....
i dont even know who are my parents anymore.. more or less my own brother and sister
i lay here on my bed and bare all this pain that i cant make go away... just cover it up as if itas a bruise..
i sick of this life. i want to just jump off a bridge or something
if one thing... i wish i wasnt here... or at least let it happen in the beggining.... cause having memories of a lie.. is the most worst thing ever for someone to bare...
for 16 years my parents...
teh only 2 people that are suppose to show you truth and diginity .. betray eachother...
this world is cold.. to know even that your own flesh and blood.. play these wars... over and over...
nights i cant even go to sleep im scared of having these panic attacks ... even thought i dont live with my dad... i feel at times i cant breathe....
i try to hold on to whatever i have left of my family
but it so hard to see.. that you mother... is so unhappy
so tired..
so miserable..
so old ...
shes wasting away...
everytime i go see her... i cant bare to get to close to her ... cause i dont want to let her go.... i dont want to come back to san diego..
i cant help looking back .. expecting her to be behind me
shes not...
not even a conversation on the fucken phone ... we dont see eachother... not inb the same city we should be talking up a storm ..
\
no evening i cant speakl ... she cant reply .. its all about benny or darlene... or how do you see yopu dad.. what the fuck...
i wish i could tell you /....
DONT CALL ME !!!!!!!!
you make me
hate you moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i dont want to fucken talk to you .. damn it
im replacing you with someone else...
i cant remember your face....
how can you put a face to a voice if you cant remember that
i cant remember your smile
oh i remember your not ALLOWED to laugh ....
now wat do i have to call a mother ????
i need to forget you
from beinmg one of the fewest women that i looked up to i think nothing of you now...
- Location:toliet
Well reality hits again not being able to drive sucks ass i know how to drive but no lisence..... all this past week i had the biggest urge to go see my mother... i wonder at times .. which keeps on killing m,e everytime i think about it ......
even though im an adult i need my mother.... already 2 years since my mom made the dicision of leaving all her family behind and making a new life of her own with a complete stranger....
Now i dont really know who to turn to now.. when i was younger my father turned his back to me and now i dont have my mother to hold me what am i suppose to do ????
SUCK IT UP!!!! Thats all.......
Just not even being able to fight with my mom hurts so bad.... I love my mom.... I didnt need to lose her figure that out... i miss her laugh , her smile, just they way she looks at me when she gets mad......
(IM CRYING LIKE A BABY)
(.... and guess what no mom to hold me)
get a hold of yourself , she made this discison they told me .. she took my brother and sister with her to take them away.....AWAY from what .......people that loved them ???
I can't say my family was PERFECT, but they were perfect to me ...... I love my family ... my broken Family.
Shes says i have to do this alone................. im scared.......but im blessed
I have my Guardian Angel...... even though i have my doubts in the religion i was raise to believe......
i believe in this : my angel : my AUNT : my Tuchise
she treats me like if im her own and she takes care of me like if im her own..
i am grateful and very extremely lucky ....
beso tuchise
but it still dosen't fill it in .. i see her fight with my grandmama the mother of my Aunt Lili (Tuchise)
and mom..
Shes says i have to grow up ,,,,,,, be an adult ,,, it for my own good...
fine in 18 i dont blame her for that ...
but dont abandon me ....
I cant even carry on a conversation.. and she ssays " i still love you "
I try not to let it get to mE at times i dont even answer my phone calls...
i always say
im busy
i cant right now
or we just dont say anything.
its lame
-------------
I keep having this dream of my mother as the same of my father..
when theyre much older the come to the time their gone,,,
and at time i just sit there blank no emotion.. at all .. and at times im at the casket and i just stand there looking at them ... and i stay until they complete the covering of the grave... everyone asks me to leave with them i say " No, just go"and i lay next to them on the grass and look up to the sky and its black as night ....
i just feel confused why am i not crying at the furneal im just blank...
--------------
I guess the only therapy i can get is writing it all down and my music... i listen to these songs and bits and pieces i can relate so well too...
Haunted- Kelly Clarkson
Louder Louder
The voices in my head
Whispers Taunting
All the things you said
Faster the days go by and im still
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here
Time..In the blink of an eye
You held my hand,you held me tight
Now your gone and im still crying
Shocked,Broken,Im dying inside
Where are you
I need you
Dont leave me here on me own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know your here with me
Shadows linger, only to my eye
I see you
I feel you
Dont leave my side
It's not fair just when I found my world
They took you
They broke you
They tore out your heart
I miss you,you hurt me,you left with a smile.
Mistaken your sadness was hiding inside
Now all thats left are the pieces to find
The mystery you kept
The soul behind a guise
Where are you
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know your here with me
Why did you go?
All these questions run through my mind
I wish I couldn't feel at all
Let me be numb
Im starting to fall!
Where are you
I need you
Don't leave me here own my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless i know your with me
Where are you
Where are you
You were smiling
You were smiling
You were smiling
shes just not the same anymore... she dosent laugh, shes so bland and blik, she has no character anymore....
- Location:still at the cornewr nop desk on my LAPTOP AND IPOD
- Mood:
disappointed - Music:Huanted -Kelly Clarkson
well so start off to say this is my second livejournal. Wanted to have a new start and new name. And like i dont have a lot of time. to be hand writting all my thoughts and opionions down on paper like a regular elenmentary girl so i have this.
I might repeating myself alot in entrys but ..
but life can be so beautiful that i want to live it the most i can...
cause i got my wake up call about a amonth before my 20th birthday that i have to slow down and BREATHE!!!!( That's why i got it inked on my wrist so i can always see and remember...)
to hear it from the doctors that "i'm too young to have HIGH BLOOD Pressure"
they kept asking what was going on in my life... if it was stress from work ?"no..." was it with myself ?"no.." was it with my family?"well, kinda"
so heres a question " What do you do when the people that you have lived with since you were born, is the same that is killing you??? so what do you do?"
Peace & L0ve
Vampii the BARBIE
- Location:CORNER IN MY ROOM
- Mood: blank
- Music:Ipod random
